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SURVIVAL PATTERNS
Q:
How is a
survival pattern created?
A survival pattern is a mechanism that is created in order to cope with
living with fear. A survival pattern is created in order to survive with
fear. A survival pattern is based upon fear. It is based on the person’s
perception of being denied the love and acceptance he/she needs. As the
survival pattern is constructed, one experience based upon fear and then
another will accumulate in the memory. The mind then has many fear-based
memories to correlate with today’s actions and thoughts. When this
happens, the mind power has adjusted its way of thinking until most
thoughts are based upon fear.
Survival patterns are created from a need of self, a need to establish a
way of surviving in the midst of living with continuous fear. When the
young child feels vulnerable, he or she will create a survival pattern
because of the illusory fears of rejection and inadequacy. The same
pattern continues into adulthood. Once established or created, it
continues to be the way we survive in living no matter what our age.
When thoughts become based on fear, then actions and reactions become
based on fear. This incredible burden distorts a child’s development. We
see this in the way a child acts and reacts. We see this in the way the
resulting adult acts and reacts. A fearful child could be a rebellious
child, an undisciplined child, and a seemingly unlovable child; or a
fearful child could be overly timid and shy. A fearful adult can easily
have these same traits.
Unconditional love and acceptance for the child are the necessary
ingredients. During a child’s lifetime, there may be ups and downs
because of the component of fear at some level or at some time. There
may be ups and downs for this person because of the effects of being
with others who are experiencing fear and who are therefore controlling,
manipulative, inconsiderate, or unkind. But a child who has a strong
foundation of unconditional love and acceptance will be able to overcome
the effects of others. In many cases if the negative influence is
intense and long term, then conscious effort must be made to overcome
the effects of another’s fears.
If a child experiences the necessary ingredients of love and acceptance,
the child will have a healthy self-esteem. The child will have
self-confidence. The child will be self-sustaining and self-nurturing.
The child will be able to trust because of having experienced trust of
self and of others. The child will be able to experience belief because
of having already experienced belief in self and others. The child will
be able to love. The child will be able to love self and others because
of having experienced love.
Conversely, if the child has been conceived and raised without
unconditional love and acceptance, the child will have fear. The child
will create a survival pattern in order to experience living. The
survival pattern is first created so that the child can cope with living
with fear. The child will carry into his future life all of the
components of the survival pattern. If the child has learned to survive
through manipulation, then the child will become an adult who
manipulates. If the child has learned to survive by withholding love
from himself and others, then he will continue to do this throughout his
life unless he learns to release fear. If the child does not know how to
trust, then he will not trust himself and therefore he will not trust
others.
With this understanding you can observe what a child carries into his
future. You can see how a survival pattern, or the lack of one, affects
every thought which influences every future thought. A child will store
either fear-filled experiences, or experiences without fear, into his
memories. These memories will influence how the child matures and
develops into adulthood, because he will bring his memories forward into
each day of his life.
For more information and examples of survival patterns, please see What
Is the Impact of Fear? in
Understanding Fear.
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Q:
Could you tell
me more about what is in the brain of a teenager who is a bully? Is
there a way for “regular” kids to prevent or protect themselves from
bullying?
It would be helpful to understand that bullies are not that much
different from others who are acting out a survival pattern (Please see
Glossary of Terms, Understanding Fear, and Search Answers for more on
survival patterns.) Yes, they can be more dangerous to others, but the
reason they adopt a survival pattern is the same reason others adopt
survival patterns: they have fear.
What is going on in a bully’s mind, no matter what the age, is a form of
ill-logic created by fear. That illogic says that it is all right to
control and intimidate other people because if you don’t, they will
control and intimidate you. They see life as a dog-eat-dog world. A
bully feels the only way to protect him- or herself from other
aggressors is to keep other people afraid. So, they use fear to control.
Basically, they want acceptance and love from other people, but lacking
that (in their minds), they will settle for “respect.” In their
illogical thinking, they see respect and fear as the same, so if a
person fears you, he respects you.
Many “regular” kids also have survival patterns they are using to
protect themselves from facing their fears of inadequacy and rejection.
One of those survival patterns is being a victim. If a “victim” meets up
with a “bully,” their survival patterns can interact, and the victim
could get hurt as a result. A victim might even taunt a bully to get the
bully to satisfy the victim’s need to be a victim. That is an extreme
example. Usually, bullies get their way through intimidation more than
actual violence. In order for “regular” kids to keep from being
intimidated, they can use some common sense and the principles that are
taught on this website. For example, they can try to remove themselves
from a confrontation with a bully, if possible. Or, they can report
threats from a bully to someone in authority. They can also release
their own fear and that of the bully and his friends. Since fear is
responsible for the bully’s bad behavior, being without fear would take
away the reason for the bully to misbehave.
In a situation where a “regular” kid feels he’s been chosen by a bully,
there could be great value in that kid’s regularly mentally releasing
his own fear and that of the bully. Very likely this alone would cause
the bully to move on to another child, even though the bully won’t know
why he’s suddenly lost interest in this one. If a group of friends,
tired of the bully’s behavior, were to mentally release their own and
the bully’s fears every time they had a thought of dread at having to
deal with the bully, they would begin to see the bully drop his bullying
behavior around them. Teachers, parents, and other adults could also
make an impact in this same way with the bully.
It needs to be clarified that some bullies are very difficult, if not
impossible, to help. These are people whose minds are so distorted by
years of fear that their brains have been altered. Their brain chemistry
has been affected, perhaps by mental and/or physical abuse, and/or by
drug abuse. This type of brain chemistry creates extremely aggressive
behavior that can lead to rape, assault, or even murder. For this type
of bully, releasing fear will have little effect. Such people need to be
avoided as much as possible and turned in to the authorities whenever
their behavior becomes problematic. They should not be allowed to get by
with their bad behavior, as this will just encourage them to do more of
the same. They must see that unlawful behavior brings about serious
consequences, as such consequences are the only thing that might stop
them from acting on their aggressive impulses. This type of “bully” has
gone beyond just bullying to criminal behavior, and s/he should be dealt
with accordingly.
The way to keep the more “typical” bullies from using the bully survival
pattern into their teenage years and beyond is to catch the behavior
early on in the child’s life. Parents and teachers in particular should
be on the lookout for such children and work together to make sure the
bully is not rewarded for his/her bullying tactics. Parents of such
children should ask themselves where their child is getting the idea
that it is acceptable to use fear to control others. If it’s being
modeled at home, then the parents may need to seek professional help to
change the pattern that exists for their family. To allow it to continue
is to see their child go down a path that often leads to trouble.
At the first sign of bullying behavior, parents should talk to their
child about how the child’s behavior is being perceived by others. Other
people don’t like to be treated disrespectfully. This is the way to make
enemies, rather than true friends. Then parents should look to see that
they are treating their child respectfully, and that the child knows he
is loved unconditionally. There is a reason the child is becoming a
bully, and that reason needs to be uncovered early on. The child’s fear
should be released whenever undesirable behavior is seen, and the child
should be taught a better way to behave. It is when the behavior has
gone on for some time that it becomes more difficult to teach the child
how to gain the love and acceptance s/he seeks without bullying others.
There are good books available that teach “regular” kids responses that
are often effective in countering the bullying behavior of others. Those
responses, along with releasing fear, can be very helpful, especially
for upper elementary and middle-school children as they are learning to
get along with their peers. Very young children might need to make more
of a game of releasing fear, as they do not have the conceptual ability
to really understand about fear.
As with any survival pattern, the presence of fear in a child’s thinking
is what is causing the misbehavior, so parents and other adults should
be releasing children’s fears routinely when they have concerns, in
addition to using natural and logical consequences to help children
correct their misbehaviors. Children must be taught how their behavior
affects others, and must be taught that consideration and respect are
important to all human interactions.
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