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Common Sense and Skills Working Together
The following chapters will hold additional information about fear and
stress and will elaborate on some of the points listed below, but for
now let’s review what a parent could do who’s concerned about his
child’s behavior:
• Release your fear so that fear does not cloud your judgment.
• Look at the behavior that concerns you. Does it resemble one of the
self-defeating behavior patterns described earlier? If so, release your
child’s fear whenever you feel concern for your child.
• Depending on your child’s age and maturity, after releasing your and
his fear, discuss the behavior and teach your child about fear—how it
works and how to release it. Make sure your child understands that being
afraid is nothing to be ashamed of, and that there are ways to get rid
of it.
• Secure an agreement from your child, along with a time frame, during
which the child will work on releasing his fear, as will you. (See
scenario earlier in this chapter.) For a younger child, make a game of
releasing fear. Have her visualize the fear as a bubble that she can
blow away or pop. Have her practice releasing fear when something upsets
her, and have her talk to you whenever something frightens her.
• Does your intuition tell you to be concerned? If so, always listen to
your gut level feelings regarding your child.
• Seek professional help if what you’re doing isn’t working. The help
could be in the form of additional parenting skills classes or
counseling for you, or psychological or medical help for your child,
and/or family counseling.
• If the behavior requires discipline, use natural and logical
consequences as much as possible. Involve the school in your discipline
plan when appropriate, consulting with a teacher, administrator, school
counselor, psychologist, and/or social worker as needed. In most cases
school personnel will welcome the opportunity to work together with you
to benefit your child. In using natural and logical consequences, care
has to be taken in terms of the child’s maturity and level of
understanding. Keeping that in mind, here are a few examples:
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- A child repeatedly forgets his lunch. So, he goes without lunch the
next day. You don’t take it to him.
- A child lies to you about where he’s been. You explain how that
behavior affects you, and you double-check everything he tells you (for
a specific period of time). Thus, if he says he has no homework, you
call the teacher(s). He says he’s going to someone’s house, you call the
parent. He says he’s going to work, you call his boss. The idea is that
now you can’t trust him, so you have to verify everything he says.
- A child starts a rumor about another girl. People find out about it.
She whines to you that now certain people are mad at her. You discuss
with her the effects of her actions on others, and you help her
brainstorm what she can do to regain people’s friendship. You leave the
responsibility with her to make the apologies and to follow through with
the other ideas she has come up with. In other words, you let her
experience the consequences, but you process with her how she can
correct the situation (as much as possible) and how she can keep it from
happening again.
- A child damages someone else’s property. You guide the child in
accepting responsibility and in coming up with a plan to work or
in some fashion pay off the debt. If you must pay for it, you work out a
plan for the child to satisfy the debt to you. In doing this, you allow
the child to correct her mistake and maintain her self-respect.
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• If your child complains frequently of physical ailments, and/or does
not want to go to school, use the fear release strategies previously
taught but also contact your child’s doctor to rule out any physical
factors that could be affecting your child’s behavior.
• Keep working on your relationship with your child. Respect,
consideration, honesty, good communication, and trust are all important
factors in any relationship. Family counseling might be needed,
especially if trust has been broken.
• Always look at loss as a possible reason for uncharacteristic
behavior. Has a family member died? Has there been a divorce? Has there
been a remarriage? Has the family moved away from friends and the
support of extended family? Has a family member moved away, such as an
older sibling going away to college? Has a beloved pet died? If a loss
has occurred, your child probably needs to talk—if not to you, then to
another trusted adult or professional counselor.
• Excessive anger, eating disorders, drug and alcohol abuse, extreme
recklessness, depression, consistent loneliness or withdrawal from
family and friends, suicide threats or attempts, and other
self-destructive or aggressive behaviors are symptoms of a dangerous
state of mind in which fear is in control. In such cases releasing fear
is important but not sufficient. You will need to do whatever you can to
get your child professional help immediately.
• Remember to practice releasing your and your child’s fear. This skill
will make some of the above steps unnecessary and will make all the
steps easier.
In summary, fear can create havoc in children’s lives and destroy their
joy in living. Fear can lead to feelings of worthlessness,
powerlessness, anger, revenge, and hate. Fear can disrupt sleep, cause
nightmares, create numerous physical ailments, unrelenting stress, and
harm to self and others. Fear can cause dysfunctional child and adult
behaviors and interfere with relationships.
Fear is a force to be reckoned with. Still, as we’ve seen, it does not
have to control us, nor do our children have to grow up living in fear.
For the most part we can use common sense and good parenting practices
to keep fear from entering our children’s lives. But, if fear does
become a factor, we can use the tools of releasing our own and our
children’s fears, effective communication skills, professional help if
needed, and loads of love and affection to diminish the effects of fear.
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