Recognizing When Fear Is Gone

How do we know when fear is gone and we’ve regained our peace of mind?

• The most obvious indication is that self-defeating behavior patterns start to correct themselves. Let’s say, for example, that you were a person who needed constant reassurance. You needed praise in order to feel you were doing a good job at work. In fact, you never really felt appreciated enough, so you would try even harder to please, and in doing so, your supervisor and co-workers seemed to be annoyed, even turned off. When you couldn’t get enough proof that they valued you, you found yourself feeling lonely and depressed. But now without the fear, you find yourself feeling more self-assured, more confident, and less in need of praise from others. You even begin to ease up on yourself and stop being so self-critical and demanding. You begin to know deep down that you are a worthwhile person, whether or not others pat you on the back. In summary, you would see yourself
 

- Rely less and less on your survival pattern - Feel more self-assured, confident - Have a greater feeling of self-acceptance - Handle difficulties and challenges with greater ease - Accepting your mistakes and making corrections without harsh self-judgments - Being more honest with yourself

• If you have a child who is a bully, you could expect that without fear your child would be less aggressive and demanding of others. Why? He would not have that scared feeling inside that he has to hide for fear of appearing weak and powerless. He wouldn’t think that others have to be scared of him so he can feel superior to them. He could just be himself, and others could be themselves. If he didn’t fear rejection, he wouldn’t have to be the tough guy in order to gain a following. He would be more acceptable to himself. In summary, you would see him
 

- Being less confrontational and more cooperative - Far less angry at himself and others - Making new friends and trying new things where he’s unsure of the outcome (taking reasonable risks) - Treating friends as equals instead of trying to control them - Less stressed about things he can’t control - Less inclined to blame others when things don’t work out - Feeling better about himself

Try to keep fear from developing in the first place.

Better than having to release our children’s fears, though, is to keep fear from entering their minds in the first place. Some effective ways are to avoid excessive criticism, ridicule, constant competition, comparisons among siblings, teasing, and above all, abuse. Other ways are to instill in children a belief in self. For example, you may want to do the following:

• Look for ways to appreciate your child.
Is he trying to do well? Is he persisting in spite of difficulties? Is he considerate? Is he responsible? Is he kind? Does he help around the house? Does he have a good sense of humor? Does he make you laugh? In showing your appreciation, try to be specific about what you appreciate, rather than saying something like “You’re such a good boy!” It would be better to say, “I really appreciate your help in raking up the leaves today.” or “We accomplished a lot today because we all shared in the work. Thanks!” This gives children specific examples of things they can be proud of, and at the same time, they know they are acceptable in your eyes.

• Look for the teachable moments.
Did she make a mistake and then blame someone else for it? Was she inconsiderate? If so, explain the effects of her behavior on you or someone else: “When you take your sister’s things without asking, you are showing her disrespect, and she is likely to lose respect for you.” or “When you don’t tell me the truth, I wonder if I can trust what you say tomorrow and the day after that.” This gives the child a chance to process what she has done and what she might do differently in the future. Rather than condemning her as a bad person, be specific about the misbehavior, and expect her to correct it. That way she maintains her dignity and self-respect and does not fear your rejection.

Discipline is an important part of parenting and is the key to teaching children self-discipline.

A child who has self-discipline can count on herself, and in the process, learns to develop the confidence that will carry her through many difficult situations as she gets older.

• Allow your child to make significant choices appropriate to her level of maturity. Children need the chance to take reasonable risks and learn from their failures as well as their successes. Let them experience the consequences when safety isn’t an issue. Don’t set yourself up as the sole judge of whether they have been good or bad; rather, encourage them to evaluate their own behavior. Children develop confidence when they know they can trust themselves. Are you always going to be around to make their choices? In truth, most parents would worry less if their children knew how to think independently.

You, as parents, can emphasize with your children the importance of thinking before acting. Perhaps have your older children ask themselves, “If every person were to do what I am about to do, would the world be a better place? and “Is this action likely to increase or decrease my self-respect?” Younger children could ask themselves, “Would my parents be proud of me for doing this?” After the fact, you can help your children reflect on their decisions and on how things worked out. Try not to be critical and say “I told you so.” Instead, show respect for and interest in what they are doing, and let them know you believe in their ability to learn from both good and bad choices.

• Act in ways that assure your children they are loved.
Knowing they have your love and acceptance should be a certainty in their minds. How will they know? You can show them tenderness and affection. You can keep your word. You can be trustworthy, respectful, and respectable. You can model as much as possible the very things you expect from them. Do you want your children to accept differences among people? Do you want your children to be kind and considerate? Do you want them to stand up for what they believe? Do you want them to be respected? If so, they will have to behave in respectable ways. And, you will have to live what you say are your values, because you are your child’s most important and influential teacher.

We know that strong families pull together and help each other. You are there when your children need your support, but they too can support you and others, and it makes them feel worthwhile and important when they are allowed to do so. Give your children specific expectations, and count on them, just as they count on you. If you think it appropriate, you might want to say, “What I need right now is for you to do your school work and your chores. These are things you can control, and they will help you and give me peace of mind. For my part, I’m going to go to work and do my best for my employer, my co-workers, and myself. I’m also going to be the best parent I know how to be. Can we work together on this?” Statements like these usually elicit cooperation and even enthusiasm from children, who really do want to please you and to feel they are helping the family.

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