As an example, let’s say you’ve been practicing and are starting to get the hang of this releasing fear business. Now you want to help your child do the same thing. Here is a suggestion for talking to your middle school child: (It wouldn’t hurt to release your fear and the child’s before having this conversation—just in case you’re a little worried how it might go.)

(Parent): “Lindsay, I’ve wanted to tell you about something I’ve been working on. Do you have time to talk right now? It’s going to take awhile for me to explain this.”

(L): (Curious) “Sure, Mom. What’s up?”

(M): “Well, you know how you’ve been missing a lot of school lately, and you’ve been upset with some of your friends and teachers…”

(L): Interrupting “I told you, Mom, these people have been making me mad! Mrs. Smith doesn’t give me enough time to make up my work, and Jamie and Grace act like I don’t even exist. They’re all buddy-buddy, and I’m left out! Anyway, I thought you were going to talk about you, not me!”

(M): Okay, well this brings me to what I wanted to talk to you about. Please just listen without interrupting until I’m finished, and then I’ll listen to you. I’ve been learning that when we’re unhappy for whatever reason, we might be dealing with some fear that we’re not even aware of. It’s not fear that came about through any fault of our own, but through our own perceptions of things when we were little kids. Maybe we were afraid our parents wouldn’t love us if we said or did certain things. Little kids come up with all kinds of thoughts to explain what they don’t understand. Anyway, when little kids are afraid and they don’t understand the cause, they find some way to act that makes them feel less afraid.”

(L): “Oh, you mean like telling a lie when you think you’re going to be in trouble. Oh, sorry, I interrupted.”

(M): “Yes, that’s exactly what I mean. The child hopes that by telling a lie, everything will be okay because the parent won’t know, but inside the child feels guilty for breaking the parent’s trust. And, guilt isn’t a very good feeling to have inside. Would you agree?”

(L): “Yeah. It’s an awful feeling. Then you have to do something to make the guilt go away, but you still don’t want to tell the truth because you’re afraid you’ll get in trouble, so you end up just feeling stressed out and hoping your parents don’t find out.”

(M): “You’re making this conversation easier than I thought. Actually, it’s the stressed out feeling that is a good indication there is fear there. The fear, I think, is that if you tell the truth, you’ll be rejected, and children can’t stand the thought of being rejected. After all, they depend on their parents for almost everything.”

(L): “So, I think you’re saying I’m secretly afraid of being rejected by Jamie and Grace. Maybe…but what about the teacher? She never liked me in the first place, so I was rejected by her a long time ago.”

(M): “That’s it. Maybe you’re angry at her for rejecting you (that’s your perception of what happened), and you don’t cooperate with her so you can punish her for rejecting you.”

(L): “Mom, kids don’t get to punish teachers. Teachers punish kids, remember?”

(M): “Really? How do you think Mrs. Smith feels when she has to call me to get you to turn in your homework? Do you think she likes calling parents when it takes time away from her own family?”

(L): “I never thought about it like that. It’s hard to imagine her with a family. I’m glad I’m not her kid.”
(M): “Anyway, can you see how having to deal with students who don’t do their work can be upsetting for a teacher? At the very least it is inconsiderate and may I say, irresponsible of you to make this her problem, or mine, when it’s really yours? Do you see what I mean?”

(L): “This is starting to sound like I’m in trouble, but for some reason you’re not acting mad.”

(M): “I’m not mad, and you’re not in trouble. I’m just trying to help you understand this so that maybe you can turn things around—things that you’re not happy with. That’s all.”

(L): “So, is this just a roundabout way of saying you want me to do my homework?”

(M): “Yes and no. Yes, I want you to do your homework, but I also want you to understand about fear so you can release its effect on you.”

(L): “Now I’m lost. I understand how a little kid could be afraid of his parents’ rejection. I even understand how we might keep that fear with us as we get older, but I don’t get what you mean about releasing fear. How would you even know when you’re afraid?

(M): “The way I know is by how I’m feeling and acting. Usually, I just don’t feel right about things. That tells me I’ve got some fear acting up. So I know I have to do something about the fear before I can start feeling better about myself. Here’s what I do. You might do it a little differently. When I’m unhappy about something or angry at someone, I first release my fear before I talk to them. In fact, I released my fear before talking to you about this, and I think this talk is going pretty well, don’t you?”

(L): “Well, yeah, I guess it is. We’re not yelling at each other, and you’re talking to me more like an adult. I’m just still a little confused about releasing fear…”

(L): “There’s still more to explain. Thanks for being so patient. As I said, I’m just learning myself… Anyway, anytime you’re upset for any reason, just say to yourself, ‘release my fear’ and really mean it. Then watch what happens. If you did that each time you felt angry toward me, your friends, teacher or anyone else, then you would free yourself of the fear and be able to use your mind better. You could just think of the fear as something left over from when you were a little kid. Don’t even worry about having fear or how you got it or anything like that. None of that matters. Just get rid of it when you notice yourself feeling or acting in ways you don’t like. I’m sure you don’t like having a conflict with the teacher or your friends. I doubt if you like staying away from school. I don’t think you like the stress of being behind in your homework. These are all indications of fear. Now you can do something positive for yourself without anyone’s ever knowing what you’re doing. But, they’ll probably see a change in you.”

(L): “But what if somebody really does do something to make me mad? Don’t I have a right to say something?”

(M): “Yes. I’m not saying you have to accept someone else’s bad behavior. If someone copies off your paper, for example, or takes something of yours without asking, you could certainly tell them to stop and tell an adult if they don’t. But, without fear you wouldn’t carry a grudge or think about how angry you are all the time. You would just say what you think, or do what you need to do, and then move on.”

(L): “Mom, you really think this stuff works?”

(M): “I do. After all, we’re having this conversation, aren’t we? And, it’s worked for me in other ways. Have you noticed anything different about me lately?”

(L): “Well…you’ve been in a better mood, and you’re not on my case about everything. And, you’ve never talked to me like this before. I guess that’s something.”

(M): “It’s certainly a start. But, don’t take my word for it. Just try it and see what happens. Maybe releasing your fear will pave the way for a good talk between you and Mrs. Smith, and among you three girls. It might not make you best friends again, but at least you will be able to respect yourself for trying, and maybe you’ll begin feeling better about things. It’s worth a try, don’t you think?”

(L): “Okay. I’ll try it, but what if it doesn’t work? I’ll feel worse than before.”

(M): “You promise me you’ll try it for one week. Every single time you have a doubt (such as right now) or a worry of any kind, release your fear, and just go about your business. Then when you have another negative thought or feeling, do the same thing again. It’s going to take discipline to do this. You’re going to have to be very observant of yourself to pick up on all the times during the day you might have fear. But, since we’re both working on this, maybe we can help each other. What do you think?”

(L): “You really have changed! Sure, I’ll try it and we can help each other. I’m having trouble thinking of a topic for my English class. Could you help me with that? I better have something to turn in when I go to school tomorrow.”

(M): “I’ll try to help you think through some ideas, and, by the way, thanks for being such a good listener. You made this easy for me, and now I feel it will be easier for us to talk when other things come up.”

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