Examples of the Fears of Inadequacy and Rejection

Imaginary fears often reveal themselves in relationships and in simple interactions with other people. In order to understand why childhood fears should be dealt with at a young age, let’s look at a few examples of adult behavior to demonstrate how fear may express itself if it goes unchecked. We’ll also look at how a child with a similar pattern might act.

• The Timid
A person may have feelings of anxiety (fear) when faced with unfamiliar or challenging situations. He may fear he doesn’t have the social skills to interact with others and that consequently, they’ll reject him. This fear may cause the person to simply avoid any situation that might bring about feelings of anxiety. This obviously limits the activities the person is willing to do. So, he might avoid taking a class, learning to dance, going to a cultural event, going out to eat, going to any public place, learning a new sport, asking someone out on a date, or trying anything unfamiliar. His fear essentially creates a pattern of avoidance of anything that makes him feel remotely uncomfortable. A child with this pattern might develop a stomachache (hoping he’ll be able to stay home) whenever he feels any pressure or stress related to school. Or, he might try to find other excuses for staying away from school or interacting with other students.
• The Bully
A person (child or adult) may develop a pattern of trying to control others in order to be convinced of their acceptance (i.e. they’ll be too afraid to reject him). It could be that at a young age, the person found others responded quickly to his size or tone of voice and were easily intimidated by him. It could be he had a dictatorial, physically or verbally abusive parent, and the adult used his/her power to make him do what he was told, creating fear in him if he didn’t. Now as an adult, he may not understand why—he just knows that he feels vulnerable and impotent (fear of inadequacy disguised) when he can’t make others do his bidding. So, he might use anger or intimidation to control, or he might use caustic language to make other people feel inadequate. This is the bully mentality we are all so familiar with, and most of us know that deep down a bully does not feel good about himself. Still, how many of us have to deal with bullies in our everyday lives and wish we didn’t have to? And, if a bully knew a different way to behave and still feel accepted, wouldn’t he gladly do it?
• The Martyr
A person may feel she has to be a martyr in order to keep from being rejected by others. Since deep down she fears rejection, she does way more than would normally be expected of her in her various roles. At the same time she feels resentful that others don’t appreciate her more, and she often alienates the very people she is trying to impress by making them feel guilty about all the work she feels she must do. This pattern of martyrdom is often reflected in every aspect of her life. A child martyr might be observed volunteering for too many jobs at school and then complaining that she’s the only one willing to do them. She might criticize others for not doing as much as she. Most assuredly she sets herself up for high stress by taking on too much but then feels anxious (another word for fearful) if she tries to say no. Unconsciously, she may have decided the work and her feelings of resentment are preferable to acknowledging her fear.
• The Envious
A person may feel envious of everyone who has more money, beauty, a better job, more opportunities, a more loving partner, more responsible or accomplished children, etc. The envy or jealousy comes from personal feelings of inadequacy that may be intensified and distorted by the fear of rejection (if I had all those things people admire, then they’d like me and wouldn’t reject me). A child with this pattern might start a rumor at school about a person she envies, secretly hoping to diffuse her own feelings of inadequacy by making someone else look bad in the eyes of others.
• The Guilt Collector
A person may find herself taking responsibility for everything that goes wrong, whether in her family or at work. She is the one always apologizing, even when someone else bumps into her or interrupts her when she’s talking. If she accidentally says the wrong thing, she punishes herself for her “stupidity” and dwells on the mistake for hours or days afterward. If her children misbehave, she blames herself for not being a better mother. If someone criticizes her work, she immediately assumes that person’s judgment of her is correct. Deep down she feels terribly inadequate and assumes others see her the same way. Consequently, she responds to most situations by rejecting herself first. Then at least she won’t be surprised when others reject her. This preparation for rejection is a kind of self-protection. The need for self-protection in the absence of a real threat or danger is a sure sign of a person who has fear. A child with this pattern might suffer frequent bouts of illness, headaches, or other physical ailments, which reflect her need to punish self for her perceived inadequacies.
• The Self-distracted
A person may become totally absorbed in his work or personal pursuits to the point of fanaticism in the hope of not having to look at his weaknesses (inadequacies). Such a person often becomes distant from his family and friends, relying more and more on his work or on exciting activities to keep his mind occupied. Sometimes people with this pattern use television, movies, drugs and alcohol, or sex as vehicles of self-distraction. They usually choose to do things that require their total attention and leave no room for self-reflection or interaction with others, except in superficial ways. What they may be hiding from is a fear of rejection or inadequacy in relationships. What they really crave is intimacy, but their fear destroys the very possibility of intimacy. A child with this pattern might be an extraordinary risk-taker, or might distract himself with drugs, alcohol, or other addictions that keep him in an altered state of mind so he doesn’t have to face his fears of rejection or inadequacy.
• The Victim
A person may have a negative view of life because of actual misfortunes, missed opportunities, real or imagined losses, or other unfortunate experiences. An interesting fact is that many people with similar or worse experiences do not have this negative view of life. The difference may be that some people fear not being able to deal with life’s difficulties. Often, with no belief that they can effectively conquer their circumstances, some people allow themselves to drift into despair (give in to their fear). Conversely, the person without fear develops a belief that he can handle whatever challenges come his way, no matter how difficult. The child with a victim mentality would likely predict that nothing she does will work out and that no idea offered by anyone else to help the situation could possibly work. She would be one who has an excuse for everything, and nothing would ever be her fault.
• The Manipulator
A person may have been shielded from life by having been spoiled and undisciplined as a child. Consequently, the person as an adult may not have developed a foundation for belief in self. Instead the person might think she can only succeed if others pave the way or do whatever is necessary for her success. She feels inadequate handling situations herself. If she is afraid of being inadequate, she might play helpless or act the victim in order to get others to do her bidding. Or, she might be very demanding of her spouse, parents, children, boss, or others in her environment. By expecting others to take on her challenges, she has a convenient excuse if things don’t work out. She rationalizes that others are at fault. In this way she never has to feel responsible for her own choices and decisions. At the bottom of this person’s difficulties is a deep-seated fear of inadequacy. A child with this pattern might act helpless or throw a tantrum to get what she wants.
• The Narcissist
A person may become totally wrapped up in her own accomplishments and those of the significant others in her life. This is a narcissistic person who is constantly touting what she’s done, what honors her children have earned, what promotions her husband has attained, how perfect her life is, etc. The fact that she dwells on these things above any interest in other people suggests that deep down she is trying to convince herself and everyone else of her value – a classic case of fear of inadequacy and rejection. A child with this pattern would likely be very self-centered and expect others to give her constant attention and reassurance that she is exceptional.

Most people who have fear (adults or children) don’t fit precisely into any one type, but rather have elements of many of the different types.

If we have learned to live with fear, chances are we have developed a negative behavior pattern unique to our personal background and experiences.

Accept that children’s fears might not be “just a phase.”

No matter what the pattern, the reason for showing these examples of adult behavior is to suggest that childhood fears are best dealt with in childhood. That way they don’t become self-defeating behaviors for adults. Further, if we understand how uncomfortable these fears can be for adults, we might not dismiss them as “just a phase” when they show up in children’s behavior.

When children feel afraid (whether from imaginary or real causes) on a regular basis, they develop behavior patterns that allow them to cope with the situation they find themselves in.

When using these negative survival patterns, they may feel better for awhile (as though they’ve outwitted their fear). Unfortunately, a behavioral pattern based on fear never makes one feel better for long. The underlying fear is always there, threatening to reveal itself and causing people to perform (act in ways inconsistent with how they really feel) in order to keep from facing their fear.

Physical Effects of Fear and Stress
Whether from real or imaginary sources, the effects of fear are the same. They take their toll on the body. Even ordinary chronic stress, which many consider to be the result of trying to deal with everyday pressures, is well known to cause a physical reaction. Fear, then, could be expected to have even more dramatic results, especially if it’s chronic. Here’s what the experts say happens:
 

• As soon as the brain becomes aware of a threat, it releases powerful hormones to prepare the body for flight or fight. • These hormones cause the heart to pump faster, the lungs to work harder, and the bloodstream to fill with sugars for ready energy. • Nerve cells release other hormones that tense the muscles and sharpen the senses to prepare for action. • Digestion shuts down. • When the threat passes, hormone levels return to normal, but if another threat comes along soon after the last, the hormone levels don’t have a chance to recoup. • Chronic stress or fear can damage the arteries, weaken the immune system (potentially contributing to infectious diseases or even cancer), create loss of bone mass, cause suppression of the reproductive system, and create memory problems. (Time Magazine, January 20, 2003, pp.68-69)

The mind/body connection is continually being studied, and further research will likely clarify even more the physical effects of fear and stress upon the body. Getting back to children in particular, there are many factors over which they (depending on their ages) have limited or no control—factors which can cause stress. For example:

• Bullies or other unfriendly kids at school
• The pressure to achieve high grades
• The pressure to be popular
• The pressure to be involved and good at many activities or sports
• Family problems like divorce, abusive relationships, or addiction
• Fear of a parent, teacher, coach, boss, or other adult
• Health problems of their own or of someone they love
• World events such as war and terrorism covered heavily in the news

All of us experience some stress from situations beyond our control, but if we understand we do have control over how we respond to stress, we are more likely to feel less victimized and more in control of our lives.

This is why we must teach our children some skills in managing their stress and in releasing imaginary fears.

Learn how to reduce or release your children’s fears.
The focus for this section is twofold: to learn how to recognize when children have fear, and secondly, how to help them release their fear once it’s there. The same learned responses can be applied to stress. Though our children may not be able to control the source of their stress, they can learn to control their response to it.

The process for helping our children requires that we first focus on ourselves. Why? Before we can learn how to release our children’s fear, or better yet teach them how to do it, we need to be able to do it for ourselves. Equally important is that inevitably our children will be touched by our fears—there is no way they could not be. And, wouldn’t we rather model for them how to live fear-free than model how to disguise, cope, or compromise with fear? Certainly, we’d rather show them how to respond to stress than how to give in to it.

To begin with, it’s worth reiterating what so many others have said—that “Children don’t come with an instruction manual.” Just because we are considering changing some approaches we might have used in the past does not mean we have to feel guilty about anything we’ve done. We’ve all done the best we can, given our own background of experiences, knowledge, and skills. At the same time, let’s acknowledge the possibility that if we do have fear, that may be making it more difficult for us to be the kind of parents we would really like to be.

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