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Fear from
Life-Threatening Events
Understand when fear can be a lifesaver.
When fear comes about from a life-threatening situation, it is a normal
and natural feeling. Fear brings on the desire to defend oneself. It
causes the fight or flight response to kick in, giving us that burst of
adrenaline we may need when danger threatens. In such cases it’s
appropriate for children to feel fear, for it means they recognize the
current danger and will seek to protect themselves from harm. Certainly
we want our little children to be afraid of hot stoves and moving
vehicles. And, we want all our children to be wary of suspicious
characters or places where they might find themselves in harm’s way.
Fear brought about by life-threatening situations acts as an alarm to
alert children of the need to protect themselves or go for help.
Learn to recognize when your children are
experiencing irrational fears.
We understand that fear based on reality (meaning a threat or dangerous
situation exists now) is a necessary part of personal safety and
survival. However, it is not uncommon for children with past experience
of tragedy, or those who may have witnessed it through the media, to
extend fear beyond what is happening in the present to what might happen
in the future. This is when fear, which may have originated for
perfectly understandable reasons, begins to take on an irrational or
imaginary quality. An example would be when a child’s nightmares persist
well past the precipitating event, or when a child refuses to go to
school because of some perceived danger that might occur in the future.
It is then that parents can step in to ease their children’s concerns
(and seek professional help if needed).
Understand feelings of helplessness.
One of the irrational fears to come out of many tragic events is a
feeling of helplessness or total inadequacy. This happens because
children fear their own ability to cope should they find themselves in
similar situations to what they see on TV. They feel they would be
helpless victims and could not protect themselves, or they could not
prevent loved ones from being hurt. Although we can understand their
feelings, we know it’s not healthy to continually worry about all the
dangers that could possibly occur. Sometimes children become so afraid
that they resist going to bed or separating from the parent in any way.
Although on a short-term basis following a traumatic event, parents
might want to keep their child physically close to them, in the long run
this kind of clinging behavior could indicate more serious problems.
It’s important to address a child’s fears as soon as you become aware of
them so the child doesn’t suffer unnecessarily and his fears don’t
generalize to other areas of his life. Imagine the limitations that
could result from being overwhelmed with feelings of anxiety for a
prolonged period of time! Think of all the adventures of childhood that
might never be experienced—the fun of spending a night at a friend’s
house, trying a new sport, meeting new people, trying out for the school
play, or going away to camp—all because the child is too afraid of what
he thinks might happen to him if he gets involved.
Listen and respond.
Fortunately, we can help children by listening carefully, allowing them
to talk about their fears, and then addressing each fear they bring up.
For example, if a child says, “I’m afraid something bad is going to
happen to you,” we can assure the child that we are going to be very
cautious. We are going to drive carefully, stay away from dangerous
places, and do everything possible to avoid accidents and stay healthy.
Beyond that, we are going to trust that the world is a pretty safe place
to be.
By talking about what we as adults are going to do—mentioning things
that are in our control—we automatically model for children what they
can do. Depending on a child’s level of maturity, we can also ask him
what he would do in a certain situation. If his response shows he has
given serious consideration to consequences, we can applaud him for
that. We might say, “That makes me feel good to know you have thought
about this, and have decided what steps you would take if you sensed
there was trouble. Now I can rest easier knowing how alert and careful
you’re going to be.”
Don’t exaggerate.
Equally important is not to exaggerate fears, or intensify children’s
fears by discussing all the terrible things that could possibly happen.
Similarly, we understand that too much news coverage can be detrimental
to children’s well being. Depending on their ages and maturity, we might
have to limit what they are exposed to and explain events in less
alarming terms. This goes for media coverage of issues beyond world
events as well. For example, children who see a talk show on TV about
divorce might become fearful every time their parents have a
disagreement.
In the final analysis, we should remember we can only do what’s
reasonable, and beyond that, we have to trust that life will go on
pretty much as it always has. To live in fear or terror is not a life we
would want for any of our children, so we must be sure we are not
creating more fear in them than is necessary for their daily well being.
Reduce the impact of fear by helping your
children help others.
Children, like adults, often feel empowered when they do something for
people in need. They might want to help you make a care package to
donate to a service organization or church. They might want to help
prepare food baskets for homeless shelters, or bring flowers to a
retirement home. They could bring good used toys to a children’s ward at
the local hospital, or give up some of their allowance to buy a needy
child a new toy. Or they might feel better by simply saying a prayer for
the victims of a tragic event or sending them positive thoughts.
Whatever they do, it should be voluntary, rather than something imposed
on them, so they can feel they’ve made a difference for someone else.
Doing something for others is an excellent antidote to fear because it
inserts love into the picture, and where there’s love, fear loses its
impact.
Recognize when to seek professional help.
When children become sad or upset, it helps to remember that grief is a
natural response to loss. It is normal to have feelings of sadness in
the face of personal or public tragedies. But often grief brings on
additional feelings, such as anger, loneliness, depression, and fear,
and sometimes these emotions hang on well past what seems normal. If
such feelings persist, it may be necessary to seek professional help
from a qualified counselor or therapist. If you have tried listening,
holding your child, consoling, and supporting her and still she is
overly sad, angry, or fearful, a professional counselor could be the
answer.
It’s also a good idea to remind children that it’s okay not only to
express their feelings, but also to let them go. We could say, “Even
though this terrible thing has happened, we still want to go on with our
lives. It’s still okay to laugh, play, and have fun when you feel like
it.”
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