|
Let’s take a minute to analyze what the parent did in this scenario:
> She took the threat away from the whole conversation by making herself
the focal point and sharing what she’s been working on, even though she
also mentioned how this might apply to her daughter’s situation.
> She used specific examples rather than generalities, such as referring
to her own ability to have this conversation with her daughter.
> She asked for feedback periodically to see if her daughter was
following and understanding.
> She remained respectful and interested in her daughter’s opinions. She
asked her daughter to listen, and then assured her daughter she would
listen when it was her turn to talk.
> She used many “I statements,” rather than “you statements,” in an
effort to keep from telling her daughter what to do. She also didn’t
come across as the expert in saying, “I’m just learning too.”
> Her daughter was free to accept or reject the ideas being presented.
> She asked for support and agreed to do the same for her daughter.
> She thanked her daughter for listening.
When working with children, it’s important to get a commitment from them
and put things in a practical time frame. A one-week trial period for
this age child is probably reasonable. A parent and child who have
agreed to support each other might want to compare notes on a daily
basis. They could talk about all the times they had to release fear that
day. This would reinforce the commitment from each one and give each a
chance to recount the successes as well as the “failures” of that day.
Remember, children don’t often have the same perspective as adults. A
child might see something as a failure that the adult sees as a success.
For example, the two friends might not want to be friends with Lindsay.
But, Lindsay, without her fear, is going to be different, which might
make her more likable. Or, without fear, Lindsay might find that she
prefers different friends. Perhaps her fear was making her try too hard
to be part of the “popular group,” and without fear, she might not need
to be in that group to feel good about herself.
That’s what we’re after in helping our children—having them feel good
about themselves while still expecting them to fulfill their
responsibilities and be respectful of self and others.
|
