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Understanding the Impact of Fear on a Child's Life
Chapter from the book,
Our Children, Ourselves: Overcoming fear and stress and restoring peace
in our lives.
Copyright © 2005 All rights reserved.
Most people don’t like to talk about fear. It brings up all kinds of
unpleasant emotions and reminds us of our vulnerability. If we do talk
about it, we tend to think of it as something outside ourselves,
something that is done to us rather than by us. We do not see fear as
something we can control or influence—just something we must endure if
it encroaches on our lives.
When fear is discussed, it is often glamorized, as in reality TV shows.
There fear is shown to be fantastic and undeniable, yet outside the
realm of experience of the average person. Of course, something as
momentous as 9/11 made it legitimate and acceptable for everyone to be
afraid. Indeed, for many people that day was a turning point where fear
took on new meaning. Suddenly our daily lives did not seem safe, and we
had reason to be afraid.
Even though it’s been a few years since that tragic event, there have
been other tragedies to keep us on edge. The war in Iraq has left many
children motherless or fatherless, there’s been another school shooting,
and nightly news programs inform us of the latest violence going on in
the world. It is now an unfortunate fact that children all over the
world have either experienced personally, or have at least been exposed
through the media, to the effects of war and terrorism. Add to that the
school shootings and natural disasters, like the tsunami, where many
children lost their homes and families, and we understand how our
children might feel vulnerable.
Perhaps you were among the throngs of parents who struggled with how to
explain to their children about 9/11, as well as other senseless
tragedies. What did you say, and how did you comfort your child when you
were probably still distraught yourself? Similarly, how did you find the
courage to send your child back to school following the killings at
Columbine High School, or more recently, Red Lake High School? What did
you say to assure your child he would be okay when in your own mind you
may not have been sure?
Somehow you found a way to release or at least suspend your fear for
your child’s safety. And, perhaps because of your strength of
belief, you helped your child release his fear and regain some trust in
the world. That was no small feat. Maybe now you look back on those
times and wonder where you found the courage. Yet, without your careful
attention to your child during those difficult times, he might still be
feeling overwhelmed with fear.
From this experience and perhaps many others, most of us have found we
have more control over fear than we may have thought possible. Fear is
not something we must endure because we’re helpless in the face of it.
On the contrary, our leaders have called on us to refuse to let fear
control our lives: We will not be intimidated by cowards! Isn’t
that one of the messages we heard repeatedly during the 9/11 tragedy?
That would be letting the terrorists win, they said. And, for the most
part, we have accepted and believed that overcoming fear is something we
can do. The ideas that follow will attempt to build on the knowledge and
abilities you as parents and caring adults have already exercised in
helping children deal with their fear. It will go a step further,
though, in explaining the notion of imaginary fear—fear that exists even
when there is no exterior threat from terrorists, hate-filled teenagers,
or snipers.
This is fear that builds up inside many of us without our knowledge or
approval but expresses itself nonetheless. It expresses itself in
thoughts, feelings, and behaviors we would rather not experience. Since
many of these imaginary fears begin in childhood and then often go
undetected into adulthood, it seems appropriate to bring them up as part
of the fear discussion.
The more we understand about fear in all its forms, the more we can
decide what steps to take to reduce its impact on our lives.
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